My First New Year

I talk about freedom and how I can’t seem to handle it. It is my first new year as a fully functioning adult.

Cutting straight to the point minus any fluff, I’m starting to feel really down again.  [1] I realized that this is the first new year where my life is in my control. Up until last year, I was in school and/or college, and the sequence of events were more or less set. I had to get promoted through classes and pass hurdles (exams) – it was like a closed-world role-playing game. Wrong choices ended up in backtrackable dead-ends, and eventually I would find the “right” path.

Now, I’m employed. Nothing is set in stone. Given my performance is high enough, I am in complete charge of whether I want to give 1, 2, 10, 20 years to the company, or whether I quit and start a business, or I become an artist or a chef or an author, or I become an internet troll, or I become a leech. The choices are available to me. It’s an open-world game now.

It seems the problem is the lack of a clear goal. Independence is great, but only if you have an idea of where you want to go. For years, I was confident that my calling is teaching, and I worked towards that goal in earnest, offering to help classmates with studies, looking at Post-graduate courses that contribute to a teaching career, engaging in speaking and writing to make myself more articulate and to communicate better (though this is something everyone should do) etc. Now I’m not so sure.

Introspection has shown me that my interests lie in being creative – coming up with original ideas and original prose, engaging in art and craft, exploring music, etc., and a feeling that my creative potential should not be wasted. This translated into teaching because the original purpose of a teacher was to teach students about meaning and purpose, and to help them explore their individuality and various philosophies of life, not to help them cram a social agenda and economic beast down their own throats. As such, I wanted to be a teacher that manages to sneak in those tidbits.

At present, I’m whiffle-waffing with my life goal, and without a definite goal, I tend to falter, hesitate, and be unproductive. [2] In the last five months, I’ve gotten by by listening to upbeat playlists on 8tracks and using my master-list (which I mentioned in the last post too) as a crutch. What my master-list essentially, is a rolling, sectioned, priority to-do list [3] that I use as a template for an indefinite period of time, generally between 2 weeks to 3 months, depending on how I make it.

This blog has been getting a post a month from me for 2 months now. At one point, it would have appalled me. In the last month, not so much. Now, again it’s a bit appalling, which somehow makes me feel better because it indicates that I care again.

I’ve got at least 20 drafts. I want to finish those, not for the popularity of the blog (which is in ruins. 😛 ), but because I hate it when an idea is not given an opportunity to become something beautiful. Wasted potential is one of my morbid fears. So I may just end up working on those for the next few days/weeks. I was going to enroll in a baking class (because cooking is a hobby – see my Instagram for more) but I decided to postpone that till I finish the pending items on the hobby section or at least the blog subsection of my master-list.

In the meantime, if you found this depressing, and would like to offer help/guidance/suggestions/advice about life choices/goals. sound off in the comments below. I would highly appreciate it.

This is my first new year. I am a completed product “fit for society” now. It’s a terrible feeling. How cruel are life and time; they will leave you behind if you stop to rest.

Thank you for reading.

[1] I started writing this back at the start of the year, and it’s been in my drafts a month now, which will re-emphasize the points I make after this. The first four paragraphs had been written in the first week of January.

[2] February writing starts here. At this point, I’m managing. Somehow I’ve been taking life one day at a time, which I’ve never had to and never been able to do before.

[3] I’ve got a draft on to-do lists. If I ever finish it, it’ll explain the master-list in detail.

  • Pranav

    I am in a ridiculously bad downward spiral myself these days. A lot of things which were considered important by my a while ago, don’t hold much meaning any more. I’m sort of trapped between what I was, what I am (in a state of transition of sorts) and what I ‘think’ I ‘should’ aspire to be. It’s a terrible place to be in and the only real way to find some direction is to tough it out and hope it gets clearer in the long run.

    In the wise words of Paulo Coelho, ‘No matter how you feel today, get up, dress up & show up’