Faceless

So I wrote this poem for the Creative Writing event at Darpan 2011. I wrote a story too, a copy of which I will hopefully receive later.

Anyway, the topic for poetry was a) War or b) Dreams. As I am wont to do, I combined them. 😀

Without further ado,

FACELESS

A nameless man am I, faceless
In this throng of other nameless
And faceless men. I tote a gun,
Which I use to launch some metal
At that faceless body, which disturbs me.
 
I hear a beat made by some boots,
And instinct tells me to follow.
I lift a leg almost to the chest,
The heart inside which is not mine,
Only to bring it down again.
How pointless. Yet I repeat it
Over and over and over,
Because it is my duty to,
In name of a forgotten cause.
 
I had a dream. A dreamer am I.
I wanted to raise a family,
To own a farm.  A dreamer am I.
To breed cattle.  A dreamer am I.
The peaceful life.  A dreamer am I.
 
Shrapnel falls around me, while some
body falls, claimed by the reaper,
who does scare me, out of my reverie.
 
I launch some metal. More flesh is exposed.
I envy him, for soundly he dozed.
Rest is denied me by country
Which I protect as its sentry.
But this job is not mine by choice,
For I am denied my dreams and joys.
I fall to the ground. Sleep takes over.
May now I return to my lover?
 

But Thank you for taking the time out of your schedules to read my work. Please feel free to comment, criticize, suggest and appreciate. :)

WordPress – GrammarMantis

Facebook – Vaibhav Gupta

Twitter – Vaibhavshaali

  • advait

    Nice poem, loved the ending

  • SoRoCho

    This is brilliant and somehow really heartfelt. You have a gift. Don’t waste it 🙂
    Post the story soon.

  • Bleeding Brilliant.

    • Thank you kindly, good sir. 😀

    • Petey

      XD
      +1

  • Petey

    Amazing. o_o
    Loved the first couple of stanzas (especially the “forgotten cause” as well as identity) and the climax.

    • Petey

      Ah, right, Achilles vibes. (Almost forgot already. *hides*) Wondering why it sounded familiar. Nice way to recast the theme, though. Sounds nice in the new perspective. 😀

  • Anmol Gupta

    Hmm… could have been longer and more descriptive. And you could have rhymed a bit more. The topics are such that you can give it that sing song effect (I thought the “dreamer am I” bit tried at that but would have been more effective if you made longer sentences before the “dreamer am I”).
    There’s another point. You’re writing blank verse but it’s more like prose written on different lines. Try a dose of phrases which wouldn’t make sense if they were in one sentence or sticking to a definite rhyming scheme.
    Also, I am sorry for being so critical but the imagery that I got from the poem is kind of clashing. First you talk of farms and cattle but then you go and talk of modern battles. And when you read this, it’s full of abrupt words which disrupt the flow.
    Also grammatically, in the last para,
    “I launch some metal. More flesh is exposed.
    I envy him, for soundly he dozed.”
    I am not sure but the tense seems like a jhol here.
    And- I had a dream. A dreamer am I.
    ^ Tense clash.

    BUT
    It’s good. It’s actually all deep. You need to practice and then you’ll be really really good. You’ll probably win it. I like the ending. 🙂

    • I thought that the change in rhyming schemes is done right.

  • The poem is amazing.
    The change of style with every stanza could be done wrong in a million ways. But you my friend, nailed it.

    What is Darpan though? Some cultural event?

    • Darpan is the first of the Christ University fests. And thank you so much.

  • Supurna sen

    This is just superb really….and a very strong meaning too

  • Anupam Banerjee

    Brevity is not merely the soul of wit but power too! Impressive!

  • great ending dude! If I were a girl or 12 year old (or a 12 year old girl), I’d have cried. Hats off bro 🙂

    • Wait. You’re not 12 years old? .__.
      Kidding, thanks. 😀

  • Tanvi Rajgaria

    This was deep.
    You need to work a bit on the beauty part of it though, for it IS a poem.
    Otherwise, even my steel-hearted and shakespearean teacher would give it an A+.

  • Prithvijit

    Nice work. Liked the ending. 🙂

  • This was done rather well for a poem based on a war/dreams theme. My hats off to you for the direction of the narration you used throughout, especially the ending. 😀

    • Thank you very much, Mackkie. I appreciate the feedback and comments.

  • Apratim

    This is pretty nice. It achieves so much without being unnecessarily verbose.
    Well done. Keep ’em coming.
    🙂