Letters to Myself 2

Letters to Myself is an exercise in forcing myself to step back and look at Vaibhav Gupta. I use it to track what I’ve done while learning to love myself.

Banner: Letters to Myself - Vaibhav Gupta

Dear Vaibhav,

What happened?! In multiple senses, what happened?!

What happened on the first three days – on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday? They were horrible days. You ignored all the prompts and schedules and didn’t get either the morning OR the evening workouts! You didn’t read, and you didn’t watch the movies!

Okay, you did get long walks and dance class in, and part of the language practice, but still, come on man!

And then Sunday happened. Sunday was a day of frustration. When those new jeans didn’t fit, we had this outburst of frustration and fit of anger that we haven’t had in a long time. We were ready to hurt someone. We were ready to tear ourselves apart. We did that stupid thing where we carried 13 kilos of groceries a kilometre on foot. Then at night, you figured out a key element – you planned all your meals for the week. I’ll discuss it later.

Luckily then, Monday happened. What happened on Monday? How’d you pull that off? It was great! You finished that pesky work task. You did straight up thirty minutes of cardio in the gym. You got dance class in, which was so much exercise that your body de-rusted. You even signed up for the class – more on that below. Plus, you figured out that those new jeans were wrong – the store had given you an incorrect pair, and luckily they exchanged it and gave you a more expensive pair for free! Well done in that regard – you handled that whole interaction and exchange very smoothly. You were dead tired when you got home. It was so satisfying to me.

Tuesday, not so much. You didn’t get your workout, again, but that’s okay because your body was de-rusting. But you followed the plan meals rigidly, and that’s good. What is not good is not writing the blog posts beforehand. As a result, I was writing late into the night and you couldn’t get sleep. It messed up Tuesday, and it messed up Wednesday.

Wednesday – it was supposed to be an office-focus day. That didn’t happen. Because of writing late into the night, we woke up late, ate next to nothing, didn’t get gym work in, but again, at least you got dance class in. And then we ordered in instead of following the meal plan, after a lot of self-guilt-tripping and rationalizing with our friends. The whole order shenanigan happened, and you had extra food.

It’s time I discuss the issues we had on Wednesday evening – we’re scared of all the decisions we’ve been making recently, with paying money for classes, and new kitchenware and clothes and food – seems like we’re loose with our money. We’re scared of taking so many decisions and making judgement calls and commitments, but that is being an adult. But we don’t know adulting – we’ve never been this old before. Take it not more than two days at a time. You’re too young to get physically sick because of stress. You’ll self-destruct if you keep going like this.

We overthink a lot, as usual. Mom and P both said that we’re too hard on ourselves, and we overlook the things we’ve done because of things we haven’t. In some ways, that’s useful. For example, the meal planning made it extremely easy to eat healthy. Just noting down on sticky notes made it easy for you to avoid eating fatty junk. This is a good practice to do every Sunday night – just be fair to yourself as you have been this week.

It seems like baths are also a key factor in motivating yourself, at least as you are now. Focus on normalizing your bath routine – take a shower every morning even if you don’t want to. It starts the day off much better.

It’s okay. We’re doing many things that we planned to do. We’ve been more productive in 2 weeks of January than we were in the previous 3 months. Some key summary points to take away from this week’s experiences:

  • Plan your meals on Sunday night for the rest of the week. Even if you miss a couple of meals and binge, this is the easiest you’ve felt about eating healthy in a while. Carry on with this.
  • Take a shower every morning even if you don’t want to, and not whenever you feel like it. It’s good to start the day off right.
  • Do the blog posts over the weekend. Obviously you can’t do the letter because I write these, and it has to be done on Wednesday nights. But do the other four over the weekend. It eliminates unnecessary stress.

Here’s hoping to a better week. We continue to evolve. I’m sympathetic to your state of mind, but unsympathetic to you letting yourself go.

Sympathetic yet exasperated,
Vaibhav.