EDIT: I looked at the weekly challenge, and it actually fits this post because I had been hesitant to write about it. Hence I “broke my silence”. 🙂
I had been debating whether to write this piece for many months now, because I had thought it would seem silly to everyone else. But today, it got very real very quick, and I felt it had enough gravity to warrant finally telling you guys about it.
FPiTS is a name I made up for something that makes me very, very uncomfortable and generally makes me squeamish and unhappy. It stands for “Fat People in Trouble Syndrome”, and I have wanted to write about it for a long, long time now.
This uneasy feeling stems from a lifetime of cartoons where a character eats too much food, gains a bulging belly and is too indisposed to do anything but lie there…
…and from my father’s incessant prodding about weight-gain (He started doing it to everybody after he had been working out for a year). His heart’s in the right place, but he doesn’t know how to filter or when to quit it.
Nevertheless, those cartoon characters who moan and lie there, unable to help themselves and struggled to get something done always made me shudder. I think it was always scary for me because I never wanted to be in that situation – feeling so helpless that all I could do was let out an incoherent groan of despair – and this feeling still gets to me. Suddenly finding an overweight dog on the street, or seeing a large person sitting alone at a restaurant, gets me down. I’m not saying it’s wrong for someone to eat alone, but I cannot help feeling both scared and terrible about finding myself in a situation where I alienate myself from everything and get stuck in a loop of food addiction. This is part of the reason I don’t smoke or drink or do drugs – I fear losing control of myself.
Now, I have a number of friends who are/were very large, and who are very comfortable in their skin. I also admire Gabriel Iglesias, the comedian (who defines 5 levels of fatness – Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy and DAMN!, and a sixth – OH HELL NO!).
And these people have helped me curb this insane fear to a large extent. But this fear of losing control is very much part of my life, and it haunts me when I, say, get on a scale and find that I am 73 kg (161 lb), because I don’t forget easily, and all these images and words from my father come rushing back and intimidate and paralyze me.
I mentioned at the beginning how real this fear got today. I was at a restaurant with one of my roommates for dinner, and while we were waiting for our food, I looked around at other customers. I saw a slightly healthy couple (they were fine really) eating, and just the sight of the lady (she was quite pretty actually even if slightly plump) led me to notice them chewing, and I couldn’t stop noticing all the other customers chewing, and it kick-started this feeling as if I was chewing all that food, and I immediately started squirming. I couldn’t keep still, and I was wringing my hands tightly trying to stop myself, and I just wanted to cancel my order, run the 750m-odd distance home and just go to sleep. Fortunately, my roommate declared another bit of important news which distracted me, and I was able to work with that to proceed normally again.
Today has shown me that I’m in fact a very insecure person, in at least some capacity, and I feel I may never cross my self-inflicted barriers – both this and others. I could probably work with it and use it as motivation for my otherwise lazy self, but I feel that the strong unpleasant and sometimes downright rotten feeling is not worth the payoff of a healthier lifestyle. These barriers are effective because they are self-inflicted. I believe I know myself pretty well, and so I know what works against me. It’s messed up, isn’t it?
So today’s question is this – Do you have any self-inflicted barriers? What are your fears and how do you deal with them?
Thank you for reading my post, and I would deeply appreciate your thoughts and comments. I would also appreciate if you would read through my other posts, which are all categorized here –> All Posts.
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